It is a great day to be alive

Posted on: December 18, 2010

It is a new day. Thank God we can start over anytime we want to. It is now after Midnight. I choose to be happy. I am alive, have wonderful people in my life.  Some are a little wild,exasperating, funny,sweet, and indescribable. I just want to have joy in my life.

It is almost 4 yrs ago that I was widowed.  This is the month he started failing.  I know that is why I have  not felt like decorating, enjoying, having fun.   It is time I let go of the old feelings and start living. Really I have been exhisting.

Between trying to decide what to do with my life, I have been trying to get healthier, decide if I should have weight loss surgery.  I almost had the surgery right before my late husband got sick.  It was one week before the scheduled surgery and 3 people I knew from the program died.  The hospital closed the bariatric surgery department down. That seemed to be a sign for me not to do it.  So I went to a different hospital still thinking about it. The support there was not great, a teaching hospital. I felt like a number , as if I did not matter.  I had all the tests, all the psych clearances, lost the weight required, and kept most of it off.  Why am I so reticent to have  the surgery?  I am not sure.

My grandma had an early version of the sleeve done in the late 30s or 40s/.  She had bleeding ulcers affecting most of her stomach. She required transfusions. They removed half of her stomach to save her life. Of course, the surgery left a large scar, it was open surgery. She healed and  never had a weight problem after it.  She ate small meals, rather like grazing, consumed large quantities of  coffee, and smoked.   How did she survive til her 80s  I do not know.

I am not sure what I should do with my life.  I know it is my life, and I am responsible for it.  I am the one who gained the weight.  I have rubber banded hundreds of times.  I am trying to make a good decision for me.  Even with all the details, and looking at wls blogs,  some good some bad I am not convinced.

It seems some of the most unhappy people I have met have had the surgery. Some surgeries fail, some people fail,   I want to do what is right.

On the other hand some people who have had the surgeries have never had a problem at all.  I really am thinking this over.  I am grandma, mom, friend, and maybe the love of someone’s life.   How could I give any of that up?

There are some folks out there who think I am old. Some may not think I matter,  but , I do matter.  I am learning that I matter.

Thank you all for the love you share,and  the  tears too.

grammasrunamuck/   aka patti


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